


Flirt

by orphan_account



Series: Ideas that will probably not be continued [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Flirting, Innuendo, M/M, OOCness everywhere, a smidge of angst, dont take it seriously, i dont even know anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:17:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So, this is the hobbit." He put his arms behind his back, hindering them from reaching out to touch soft skin. </p><p>He had wanted to say more, but stopped short as he saw the halfling positively leering at him, and tried not to squirm like a dwarrow half his age. Master Baggins let out an appreciative whistle before locking eyes with Thorin again. </p><p>"Sooo", he drawled, "this is the leader." </p><p>There were affronted shouts from Dwalin and his other cousins, and he could hear Ori whispering something. </p><p>OR</p><p>the one in which Bilbo is a flirt and Thorin is a bit helpless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Have fun ;)

By Mahal, Thorin was going to fuck that little creature in front of him into the ground. It didn't matter that the wizard was in the room still, watching on amusedly as he heard a few of his company gasp in a horrified manner. 

Thorin was willing to admit that he came with certain expectations into The Shire. He had seen the halflings, had seen them tending to their gardens, tending to their fields, throwing their partys. He had expected some small, pudgy being, easily intimidated by bigger folk. What he got instead was far worse. 

Master Baggins was small and he was a bit pudgy, but that suited him and Thorin wasn't sure what to make out of his finding their burglar cute. The man had curls much the same as every hobbit, but it seemed like spun gold in a certain light. His eyes had the green colour of emeralds and Thorin did certainly not want to start waxing poetry about his mouth. The mouth that right now grinned cheekily at him. 

"So, this is the hobbit." He put his arms behind his back, hindering them from reaching out to touch soft skin. 

He had wanted to say more, but stopped short as he saw the halfling positively leering at him, and tried not to squirm like a dwarrow half his age. Master Baggins let out an appreciative whistle before locking eyes with Thorin again. 

"Sooo", he drawled, "this is the leader." 

There were affronted shouts from Dwalin and his other cousins, and he could hear Ori whispering something. 

"Kili, why is Master Baggins looking like that at Mister Thorin?" Said dwarf groaned internally, as Dori started fretting over his little brother and putting his hands over the young scribe's eyes and ears.

"Oh, I just admire the view." The hobbit said, letting his gaze wander another time up and down the dwarf's body. Thorin was still too perplexed to do anything, as the smaller man seemed to steel his resolve, jutting his chin out and standing straighter. 

He closed the remaining distance between the two of them, Thorin hoping not so secretly for something more than just flirting, but he got disappointed. Instead of kissing him, the hobbit looked him square in the eye, poked him a few times in the chest and started his tirade.

"Now, Master Dwarf, tell me why you and your people come barging into my hobbit hole late at night, unanounced, I might add, and start to raid my pantry without thought and without leaving as much as a crumble behind. Then tell me, why you come into my hole just about to insult me, and believe me I know you were going to, without as much as a proper greeting. Then, please tell your dwarves to stop damaging everything they stumble upon in my home." He took a deep breath. "I am your host for this night and I will be treated as such. Is that clear?"

In the following silence you could have heard a pin needle drop. Thorin took his time looking at each of the faces that were now expectantly watching the scene before them unfold.

There was Gandalf, who was barely concealing his laughter, and then Dwalin and Balin, the former affronted, the latter more amused than anything. Next were Fili, Kili and Ori, properly chastised and looking sheepish, mumbling quiet apologies as they felt his eyes settle on them. Too he found a guilty Dori, an impressed Nori as well as a suspiciously eyeing Oin plus Gloin. Bifur was currently looking at nothing peticular, and Bombur stole quick glances towards the kitchen and back. Bofur was staring at the hobbit, blushing as the smaller man noticed and winked at him. Thorin tried not to dwell on that.

He focused on Baggins again and cleared his throat. The halfling looked at him with thinly veiled curiousity, and to Thorin's dismay, also annoyance.

"I apologize for the behaviour of my company." He managed to say with a steady voice and bowed once. At that, the tension left the hobbit's shoulders with an out-drawn sigh. "And you lot will apologize, too!" He gritted out, suddenly very angry that he was to take the blame. Well, someone had to, and he was the leader, but still. Somehow, they all managed to bow in unison, even if not all decided to voice their apologies. 

"You are forgiven. Come now, to the kitchen, there should still be something left for you, if I am not mistaken." He shot the others a glance and soon Bofur and Bombur were scrambling to get into the kitchen. Thorin was impressed and told Master Baggins so.

"Ah, well... The one with the hat seemed to have developed a crush and the bigger one is probably feeling guilty because he ate most. I had relied on them to help me with my... demonstration." He answered as he lead dwarf through his hole and into what seemed to be the dining room what with the large table crammed inside.

He sat Thorin down on one end of it, then waited for the others and Gandalf to settle down before he took place between himself and Balin. Thorin had to look at him again, Baggins making it seem as if it was a daily occurence for him to host 13 dwarrows and a wizard. The halfling had placed his intertwined hands in his lap, swinging his legs beneath the table, but glaring daggers at Gandalf for his meddling. When not at the receiving end of the glare, the hobbit actually looked oddly endearing.

Only as the wizard had cleared his throat rather loudly, Thorin noticed that he may have drank in the sight of the small being in front of him a bit too long. Reluctantly, he drew his eyes away from the faint blush that now covered the hobbit's cheeks and met the various glances around the room evenly. He was to be king, so he really didn't need to explain himself. He still felt vaguely uncomfortable under the wizard's scrutinisizing gaze, like he hadn't since he was a young dwarf.

"Uhm, I still don't know why you are all here, in my home. Could somebody please explain?" The hesitant voice caught his attention again, so he turned towards the halfling again. He heard Gandalf sigh, though he didn't know if it was because of the question asked or Thorin's rather short attention span.

And so the wizard threw himself into explaining.

 

"Just, just, to get it right." The hobbit was currently pinching the bridge of his nose, brows furrowed and Thorin carefully concentrated on eating his soup. "You need me to burgle from under a dragon's nose, because you number 13 people which is an unlucky number."

He heard the others grumble to themselves again, but it seemed that Gandalf had the patience of a saint. "And dragons do not know the smell of hobbits. And you are quick and fast on your feet."

"The only plus I can see here is that you lot have an attractive leader with a nice arse. There's not much more in for me, don't you think?" Thorin found his soup suddenly very interesting again, and he was not blushing, no matter what anyone might say.

Like always, Balin was there to rescue him from his embarassment. "We offer you a fourteenth share of the gold we may reclaim once you have fulfilled your task." He thanked Mahal for the gift that was Balin.

"I do not care for gold and riches. I have already inherited a fortune as my parents died." All heads whipped to stare once again at the halfling.

Thorin had to open and close his mouth before he could utter a sound, let alone a whole sentence. "You do not care for gold? You don't want any of it?"

Baggins looked at him in that curious way of his, tilting his head to one side. "You may have noticed that I have a warm home and hearth, a garden and family- and oh." The man suddenly seemed so very lost between all the strange people sitting around the too quiet table and Thorin wanted to reach out to him, calm him maybe, but wasn't sure his affections were welcome. The hobbit buried his face in his hands and let out a bark of bitter laughter. The dwarfs almost winced at the sound. "But I don't have that, a family, that is."

"My dear boy-" Gandalf began, but was interrupted by Baggins again. "No, Gandalf, it's true. I've had no one to call my kin in twenty years." He took a deep breath and raised his eyes again to meet the wizard's across the table. "That's why you came to me, am I right?" Tharkûn only nodded solemnly.

"Honestly, Gandalf, you're like an overbearing Grandpa." The wizard simply huffed, mock annoyed at the words and Bilbo-Master Baggins-smiled slightly. 

"So, you are coming with us?" Thorin couldn't help but ask, and was rewarded with a blinding smile. "Yes, I think I am. Haven't had that much entertainment in years, believe me." He stood up, bracing his hands on the tabletop. "I'll go packing. Make yourself at home, there are spare bedrooms if you go into pairs or groups of three. Well, there's always place in my bed, too." And with that he patted lightly on Thorin's shoulder. The dwarf choked on his soup, and had to cough. 

The hand had lingered through Thorin's trying to regain his breath, and as his owner spoke again, he could hear the grin in his voice. "If you're lucky you're choking on something different tonight." And with that the halfling sauntered off, entirely too smug for Thorin's liking. It didn't stop the blush spreading high on his cheekbones, though.

"You're not that bad equipped yourself!" Thorin dared to shout after him. The bastard didn't even pause in his stride, simply wriggling his behind on purpose. "I know." He sing-songed. 

Gandalf leaned back where he was perched on a too small stool, glad to hear the pearls of laughter ringing loudly through the halls, and allowed himself to smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not much and damn it, you have to work with me here. Gimme prompts, ideas, anything. I need help with this, my imagination is lacking.

Despite the company's assumptions, Thorin did not spend the night in their host's room. He did, however, get to wake him up in the morning, while the others were cleaning the dining room and kitchen and gather their things from where they've been putting them the night before.

He shouldn't really feel as if he was doing something not good, casting glances this way and that, before raising his hand to knock on the round door, only to falter in the last moment. Had he heard giggling from down the corridor? He scowled in the general direction of where he thought the sound came from. The dwarf king shook his head, finally daring to knock.

"Master Baggins?" He waited a few moments, straining his ears to hear anything from the other side of the door. "Master Baggins, we are ready to depart." This time, he heard a yelp, followed by a crashing sound and a hiss. He pushed the door open a bit, sticking his head in to chance a look at the room.

"Oh, it's you. I'm sorry, I was so surprised to hear your voice." Baggins stood up from where he had sat on the ground, dusting of his knees. "I was staring out the window for a bit, because, you know, I won't be coming back for a long time." He finished softly, looking out again. 

Thorin felt a pang of longing at the thought of Erebor, of home, of how he wouldn't mind having someone beside him, ruling over the Lonely Mountain with him, sharing his bed. He cast a speculating glance at the halfling, feeling his breath catch as the smaller man looked back at him, smiling shyly.

"Gandalf only later told me that you actually are a king. A descendent of Durin himself. I wouldn't have treated you like that had I known." He averted his eyes again, looking at his furry feet. "I won't bother you again." Baggins inclined his head slightly, moving to get his rucksack from where it leant against the wall. 

Thorin cleared his throat, effectively halting the halfling's ministrations and establishing eye contact. "I didn't mind, not really." He said timidly, scratching a bearded cheek with his index finger. "I, ah, just wanted to know if you had interacted with everyone else like that." 

As Baggins listened, a small, gleeful smile had spread on his face, the hobbit beaming at the dwarf, and Thorin felt as if the sun had risen just in front of his eyes. The halfling took a few steps closer to him, invading his personal space the same way he had done the night before.

"No, Master Dwarf, it was only you." Bilbo whispered, looking up at him from under his lashes. "Why? Why me?" Thorin managed to rasp out as a small hand gently carded through his cropped beard. Surely the halfling didn't know the significance of this act, the intimacy, as only married couples were allowed to do this, in private, no less. He didn't mind as much as he should, though, which was a bit alarming, he had to admit. "Well, you're the most handsome of the bunch, and your voice does things to me." He muttered. "Ah, but well, we have to get going, don't we?"

Bilbo took a step back, and Thorin growled, obviously displeased. He closed his eyes, trying to compose himself, as the halfling puttered around the room, willing the evidence of the hobbit's ministrations away.  
"Come on, Master Dwarf, it's time!" Bilbo then pushed past, giving him a pinch on his ass, and cackling deviously at the not so manly squeak Thorin let out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really, I do need your help.

**Author's Note:**

> I tell you again, don't take it seriously. I was just having fun.


End file.
